trigger warning: anorexia, suicide
i posted on here in december. a frail, 115lb 5’6.5 girl who thought she was disgusting, fat, and just overall worthless. i said in my submission that i hoped one day, i would be able to come back here a happy, healthy girl.
shortly after that submission, i ended up in the hospital- on christmas eve. being hooked up to machines, and not really even knowing what was going on- i had taken pills, so many pills, not wanting to be alive anymore. my mother crying, the doctors talking quickly.. and me begging them to just let me die. i was okay- i hadn’t even taken enough to kill me, just enough to put me in a ton of pain- and after they had gotten me stabilized, they talked to me about my weight. i was at that point, about 109lbs, an unhealthy number for my height, but especially for my frame (my “ideal weight” for my frame type is between 127 and 155lbs) and i was just arguing with the doctors that i was fat, that i just wanted to be thin.. i just wanted to be thin.
pro-anorexia sites were fuelling me when food should have been. i spent long, lonely days in my room because being around people meant being around food which meant temptation and awkward excuses. i was slowly killing myself, and i wanted it. i wanted to be dead.
my best friend came home from university, and i remembered what it was like to be happy. i got out of a toxic relationship, and i surrounded myself with friends and family. i went to therapy and learned to see food as fuel, not as a reward or as punishment. and best of all, i got healthy.
it’s not easy. it’s hard looking at the size zero jeans i fit into just months ago, and it’s hard not feeling thin or pretty anymore. but slowly i am learning to love myself again. i am learning to be happy, and that life is too damn short to spend it miserable over the way i look. i’m chubby, but i’m happy. thin never equaled happiness for me, and that’s okay.
love yourself, love yourself, love yourself. you are beautiful, i guarantee it.
-methaneskies.tumblr.com
shamelessly reblogging my own submission, oh yeah.
i love you guys.
